Generally, I'd be described as a happy person. I'm probably one of those sickeningly positive people you know and hate or maybe love (in which case, I thank you).
And the truth is: I am happy most of the time. I do, often, choose to remain positive, but that choice isn't always so easy. Yes, I've trained my brain to recognize beauty, like slow rain and dancing trees, and good things, like the perfect song playing at just the right moment or a child's innocent musings, but I've found that people who consciously and purposely search for the good need to do so in order to survive.
And that thought made me very sad for myself this week. Relax, I'm not throwing myself a pity party. It just got me thinking about all the people I know, like me, who are positive, and spread positivity only to be met with criticism and condescending remarks. No, I don't live in a fantasy world where things are perfect and everyone is nice to me. In fact, I deal with myriad micro-aggressions daily. Some, I can brush off; others seep into me and weigh me down, drain me. Sometimes, though, they aren't subtle, and I wonder why others choose to hurt when they can easily go about their lives.
Because I need to be happy to survive. I need to know that I can live in a world where yeah, fine, things are crappy, but not every thing is! Actually, lots of things can be so wonderfully amazing, that when you recognize them, you're so happy to be a soul in a body experiencing life in the moment.
I need to be happy to survive, and I don't know if that makes me weak.
Readers, yes, I am definitely in my feelings. I am very much pre-menstrual, so forgive me, but today, I just feel bad for happy people. No one really understands that we need happiness. It may be easier to give in to bitterness and cynicism, to mock others for their glass-half-full perspectives, but that's just so unappealing to me.
Those people who choose happiness, who paint it around them and fill their world with it, are ones who need it most. They struggle with mental and physical health and family problems and relationship problems and problems at work and everything you struggle with, but they choose happiness, because it fulfills them better than the alternative.
I hope that didn't sound too resentful or judge-y, and I wish I had a good point to end with but the truth is that this has all just been a stream of consciousness playing on a loop in my head since last week.
I'm not feeling so good right now, but I hope I can get back to happiness soon.